The Four Nothings

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

The Four … Nothings.

It’s a bright, sunny day in 1987. I’m walking along Victoria Street, near the Gas Company office. I’m reflecting on my boss’s invitation.

I’m inviting you all (he’d said) to submit a saying that’s meaningful to you. We’ll pick a winner to put on the wall for inspiration for all of us.

I ponder that … and I think to myself, “Well, why not just start from scratch? A saying.”

I tuck that little assignment into my subconscious, where it ruminates for a few days until suddenly, just as I pass the doorway at Southern California Gas, there it is:

  • Nothing to Hide
  • Nothing to Fear
  • Nothing to Regret
  • Nothing to Prove

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Nothing to Hide.

Cyrus had a medical appointment. He was a little hard of hearing, so Mabel had to go with him to make sure she knew what was going on, and also to explain to her husband in case he couldn’t hear the doctor.

“Ahem,” says the doctor, “I’ll need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”

Cyrus turns to Mabel: “W-w-w-what does he want?”

Mabel yells back, “Well, honey, he wants you to leave your underpants here.”

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Old Cyrus left his dirty laundry at the doctor’s office. It was in group therapy that all my dirty laundry came out … and I discovered two things:

  1. It looked just like everybody else’s dirty laundry; and
  2. Somehow, getting it out into the light had a bleaching effect—it seems some of the grunge, miraculously, got washed out in the understanding and forgiveness of others.

For a while, in celebrating my discovery, I figured the whole world would want to join me in examining my dirty laundry.

Hmmm. Not so.

I eventually began to see the wisdom of this saying: “The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”

Yes, I came to realize that I needed to exercise some discretion when deciding with whom and when to share the details of my life.

But still, learning to live with nothing to hide is like crawling into a fresh pair of shorts: crisp … cool … and clean.

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Nothing to Hide.

And now: Nothing to Fear.

Here’s some more wisdom, this time from the mouths of babes:

Patrick, age 11, says, “When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.”

Alissa, age 9, says, “When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.”

One of the things we often fear as kids is our parents. And, if they taught us right, one of the things we often fear as adults is the police.

It was my Buddhist years that taught me this one: Life a right life, and you’ll have nothing to fear.

My Zen priest encouraged me to consider … driving the speed limit.

Ridiculous, I said.

Try it, he said.

So I did.

And I discovered a principle that has bubbled over into many areas of life: when I live with nothing to hide, I can live—hey—with nothing to fear.

I don’t have to spend mental energy looking in the rear-view mirror of life, afraid of getting caught. What a burden that lifts. What a freedom from distraction and anxiety.

But it’s more than that, isn’t it? It’s more than just trying to keep our laundry clean.

It’s taking on the fears of life, and learning that they can be overcome. Fear is just a clue that there’s something we need to pay attention to.

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Nothing to Hide.

Nothing to Fear.

Nothing to Regret.

Regret is about being sorry for what we’ve done.

Being sorry is about needing forgiveness for what we’ve done.

Getting forgiveness is about being set right in relationships, despite what we’ve done.

Sometimes we don’t seek forgiveness, because we’re waiting for the other person to take the first step. We’re afraid we’ll be rejected, so we don’t take initiative, and as a result we are burdened (consciously or not) by our unresolved regrets.

What’s given me courage to get past my fears, to come out of hiding, to seek to make the amends needed, is the starting point of forgiveness when I, first of all, get set right in my relationship with my Creator.

In the Christian story, God takes the first step. God says, “Whew, all that freedom I gave you guys—including the freedom to mess things up the way you do—I’m really sorry about that. I’m responsible for creating you with freedom, and I accept that responsibility. I want to be set right with you. And so I’m going to be a person just like you—so you will know, that I know, what it feels like to hurt the way you do.”

Well, when someone takes the initiative toward me, it’s easier for me to take my own responsibility in that relationship. And having practiced for a while making peace with my Maker, it gets a little easier to take initiative to make peace with my neighbor.

And so it helps me live with Nothing to Regret.

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Nothing to Hide.

Nothing to Fear.

Nothing to Regret.

And finally, Nothing to Prove.

I put this last, and not by accident. It’s last because it’s the hardest for me.

Somewhere inside, there’s still this scared and lonely little boy who wants to be accepted, and thinks he has to prove himself in order to be loved. In my head I know that’s not really true.

When I succeed, now and again, in letting go of trying to prove myself, of trying so hard to be approved by others, I get, again, this jubilant sensation of freedom.

What a marvelous thing that is!

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The Four Nothings have come to mind many times over the years, and they’ve helped me over many a hump in life.

I should tell you, though: I didn’t win that sayings contest those many years ago. I didn’t even get Honorable Mention.

But, what the heck! I’ve got … Nothing to Prove.